


One Step at a Time

by lurking_whumper



Category: Blindspot (TV)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hospital, Hurt!Weller, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Torture, Whump, Worried!Jane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-18
Packaged: 2019-05-01 07:27:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14515386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lurking_whumper/pseuds/lurking_whumper
Summary: A face from Weller’s past returns to exact his revenge. Surviving barely with his life, the road to recovery will be difficult for both Kurt and Jane alike, as Kurt struggles to cope from the physical and emotional wounds caused by the ordeal.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I’m finally posting this Blindspot fic that I’ve been working on since late February. This is going to be a long one, longer than any of the fics I’ve written before, so it will most likely be in 3 parts. This fic will be full of angst and the first part has quite a bit of torture, so if that is a trigger for you, you have been warned. This might be hard to read at times, but please, don’t put a hit on me just yet. 
> 
> The timeframe of this fic is sometime in S3 after Kurt and Jane have reconciled, but before 3-17, so essentially before Roman threw his plan out the window (or did he?).   
> Thank you to the members of the whump community who graciously shared their professional medical knowledge to make this fic more realistic.
> 
> And finally, a massive thank you to @take2intotheshower ! You’ve been my sounding board, my beta and exchanged countless of messages about this fic and listened to me rambling about big things and small things while writing.
> 
> As always, comments are more than welcome!  
> Disclamer: I’m not making any money, just a Blindspot fan having fun. All rights belong to Martin Gero & co, as well as to the great actors who bring these characters to life.

It was a chilly fall morning and Jane was headed to the NYO. She had gone there alone for the past few days since Kurt was in Atlanta for a Homeland Security terrorism seminar. She and the team had been busy trying to decipher Hank Crawford’s network of associates but things had been quieter in terms of major cases. That suited Jane just fine: as much as she trusted the team, having someone else besides Kurt backing her up in the field just felt odd. Luckily, Kurt was due back today.  

As if reading her mind, her phone chimed and she looked down at it to see it was a message from Kurt:

_“Morning, beautiful. Just got to the airport, flight leaves in a couple of hours and I have a stopover in DC. See you soon. Love you. Kurt.”_

Jane smiled and typed a quick reply to Kurt before putting her phone back into her pocket.

***************************************************************************************

Stepping off the shuttle bus at the airport parking lot, Weller let out a satisfied sigh. He had survived the seminar with the top brass and his presentation had gone rather well, even if he said so himself. Still, he was happy not having to wear the suit and tie again. He hated how ties always felt constricting, like they were trying to strangle him. He never understood how Reade could put up with them every day.

Now, Kurt was just happy to be home again. He’d go to the NYO, write a report on the seminar and talk it over with Reade, and then he and Jane could go back to the apartment together. He’d missed her. Things finally felt like they were slowly returning to normal. He and Jane had slowly rebuilt the trust between them and he felt their relationship was stronger now than it had ever been.  They both had said and done things that hurt the other, and the reconciliation hadn’t been any less painful, but he felt they were on the same page again.

Weller walked over to his car at the end of the line and popped the trunk, fishing his phone out of his flight bag, when he suddenly found himself in a chokehold. He dropped his weight down and his palm connected with his assailant’s groin and the grip loosened. Then his elbow connected with the man’s nose in a satisfying crack. He retreated from his first attacker, who was now kneeling on the ground holding his face. But now Kurt found himself fighting two more men. He punched and kicked one of them, blocking the attack, when the other man charged him.  Just as he managed to hit the attacker and put some distance between them, his muscles suddenly felt like they were torn apart. “ _Taser,_ ” he realized as he dropped to the ground, grunting in pain. The next moment he retched as he received a few hard kicks in his stomach and back.

“Son of a bitch, you broke my nose!” One of the men screamed at Kurt.  

Gasping for air, Kurt was helpless to resist as they pulled his arms back roughly and he heard the familiar crunching sound as handcuffs tightened around his wrists. The men pulled a hood over his head and threw him in the back of the van, accompanied by a few more kicks.

***************************************************************************************

Weller blinked against the light, standing in the grip of his two captors as they remove the makeshift hood from his head. As his eyes adjusted, he couldn’t hide his surprise when he realized who was standing in front of him.

“Andrew Wolff. Last time I saw you, you were being led out of a courtroom in handcuffs. To a Supermax.”

Wolff walked up to Weller and frowned, looking at him sadly. “Don’t look so surprised, Special Agent Weller. Long time no see…It’s been what, 6-7 years ? I guess those prisons aren’t as secure as you thought. Since I was able to get out.”

“You must have had help. You’re a murderer, not a criminal mastermind,” Weller couldn’t help snapping back at the man.

“Criminal mastermind or not, here you are, “Wolff smirked. “ Do you have any idea how long I’ve waited for this moment? I would never have been caught if it wasn’t for you and your meddling FBI investigation. And maybe my ex-wife - but she’s on my list for later.”

“You’re a pathetic lowlife who killed three girls who were barely teenagers!” Weller couldn’t mask his anger as he struggled against the grip of the men holding his arms.

“Shut up, Weller!” Wolff screamed and the first series of rapid punches landed on Kurt’s torso.

Kurt tried to tense his muscles to take the punches but after a while, he just couldn’t. One punch followed the next in rapid succession. Just as he was about to draw air into his lungs, another punch to his solar plexus emptied what breath he had. He could hear a snap in his ears as he felt the first rib crack. Or maybe he imagined it, he wasn’t sure. The first beating must have lasted for 15-20 minutes, with Wolff cursing him and his role between the punches, only to concentrate more anger into the next punch. One of the punches was directed at his face and he felt the blood drip down his chin as his lip split and a tooth came loose.

The men released their grip and Kurt dropped to the floor. He groaned quietly, struggling to breathe, his whole body wracked by pain.

***************************************************************************************

Jane was sitting alone in the conference room, the desk in front of her filled with folders and case file notes, most of them written in Kurt’s familiar scrawl. Jane took a deep breath to steady her nerves and hit the speed dial on her phone. She was about to make a call she never wanted to.

“Hi, Jane.”

“Allie…” Jane began and drew another deep breath.

“It’s about Kurt, isn’t it?” Allie asked bluntly. Jane knew Allie understood the risks of their jobs better than most.  “Please don’t tell me the father of my child has been killed.”

Jane rushed to correct Allie’s worst fears “No, no! He’s not dead.” Although, she suspected that the alternative wasn’t any better.

“He was taken”

“Taken?! By whom?”

“By a man you know. His name is Andrew Wolff.”

Jane could hear Allie’s sharp intake of breath. “Oh God,” Allie nearly groaned. “How? He was put away for life.”

Jane ran her hand through her hair in frustration. “Apparently, he escaped when they were transferring him between facilities and the transport was attacked. The Marshals have already launched a manhunt. Kurt was due back today from a seminar in Atlanta. He didn’t show up at the NYO and I tried to call him but it went to his voicemail. We finally traced his phone to the JFK parking lot and went to search it. We found it by his car. There was some blood, too…” Jane’s voice drifted off.

She heard the scrape of a chair as Allie sat down and she could practically see the other woman pinch the bridge of her nose as she processed the information.  “You have to find Kurt, Jane. Wolff swore revenge against Kurt and his ex-wife, Cynthia, when they sentenced him. And with what he did to his victims…”

Jane’s voice trembled slightly as she replied “I know, Allie. I’m staring at the case files.”

“I probably don’t have to tell you how hard that case was on Kurt. He was the lead agent on it.”

“Yeah, I can imagine.”

“He wouldn’t eat, he hardly slept…they almost pulled him off the case. Wolff tortured those girls for days before killing them. It ate Kurt up from the inside. Even with his walls, I could see it. Everyone could.”

“And now Wolff has Kurt.” Jane said, her voice barely a whisper.

Now it was Allie’s turn to reassure Jane “Kurt doesn’t give up easily. And with an agent missing, you will have all possible law enforcement resources at your disposal.”

***************************************************************************************

Kurt couldn’t help a groan escaping as his cracked ribs grated against each other when he helplessly swung with the force of the latest punch Wolff directed at him. The pain made every breath feel like he was being stabbed. He tried to normalize his breathing, tried to prepare his body to take the next punch he knew would surely follow. But what Wolff said next sent a chill down his spine.

“Ahh, I see you’re married, Special Agent Weller. I don’t remember seeing you wearing a ring the last time we met,” he said with a smug tone from somewhere behind. “So, you have a wife. Is she pretty? What does she do for a living?” Kurt could feel Wolff’s breathing on his neck, as Wolff whispered the next words: “Or maybe she’s an FBI agent? Just. Like. You? Hmmm? Oh, how about children? Do you have any children? ”

“You leave my family out of this,” Kurt growled a threat at Wolff. The thought of Andrew Wolff anywhere close to Jane, or especially Bethany, made anger surge inside him and also a hint of fear.

Wolff laughed at him, delivering a vicious punch at Kurt’s kidneys with the knuckle-dusters. An agonized scream escaped Kurt’s mouth as the pain shot into his brain.

Wolff walked back into Kurt’s field of vision as he gasped for breath and grabbed his jaw.  “You’re hardly in a position to issue threats, Agent Weller.” Drawing the knuckle-duster slowly down Kurt’s chest from his collarbone down to his stomach, he continued with an almost lilting tone: “I wonder if your colleagues will let your wife see what I do to you? She must already know you’re missing. I promise you, I’ll return your body back to her in one piece.”

Kurt had the wind knocked out of him as another punch hit him in the stomach. “But…” Wolff continued, emphasizing each word with a punch to Kurt’s sides and stomach.” It’s ” Kurt nearly retched as another punch landed in his stomach. “Gonna. Take. Time.”   He grabbed Kurt’s head again and spoke menacingly “You’ll be begging for death before I’m done with you, Agent Weller.”

***************************************************************************************

Looking at the screen in desperation, Jane turned to her friends. “Please tell me you can trace the source of the feed, Patterson…”

Patterson tapped frantically at her keyboard before shaking her head slightly “I’m sorry. He’s routing the signal so it’s bouncing all over the world. We can’t trace it.”

“Rich?”

“If she can’t track it, neither can I.” Rich shook his head.

“So we’re just going to leave Kurt at the mercy of a sadistic killer with a grudge against him?!” Jane asked, her tone a mix of anger and desperation. “There has to be some way to find him!”

“Jane, we have law enforcement on all levels looking for Weller.” Reade tried to calm her.

Jane was just about to reply to Reade when she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. “ _Unknown number..Could Wolff have found out who I am? Or…”_ “I have to take this”, she told the team and quickly left the lab.

“Hello?”

“Hello, Jane. Did I call at a bad time?” Jane heard the feigned concern in Roman’s voice.

“Roman…” Jane growled in a warning tone.

“What? Can’t I call my big sister to see how she’s doing? Oh, I’m sorry, is something wrong?”

“You had Kurt taken, didn’t you? You’re hurting him to hurt me…”

“Not exactly. Andrew Wolff has had it in for your husband for a long time. But I might have used that anger to get something I wanted.”

“If it’s me you want to punish, then do it, but leave Kurt out of this!”

“He came clean to you about Berlin. Did he tell you we met in Germany when you were rescuing Avery?”

“Yes, he told me.” Jane snapped.

“Then he probably told you that we are after the same thing: Hank Crawford.”

Jane had walked to a quiet hallway, and leaned against the wall, feeling the beginnings of a headache coming on. She closed her eyes, trying to will the feeling away. “Yes, and we are working on it.”

“Well, you’re not working fast enough.” Jane could hear Roman’s anger surfacing. “And that’s where Kurt came in. Andrew Wolff had some usable information on Crawford. And unfortunately sis, your dear husband was the price he demanded in return for that information.”  

“So, you’re the one who organized his escape and told him where to find Kurt.”        

“I might have nudged him in the right direction. But I do hope you find Kurt in time…You will need him to take down Crawford.”

With that, the line went silent. Jane was filled with both helplessness and fury. Her own brother had helped that twisted murderer get his hands on Kurt.

She swallowed the lump in her throat and took a few deep breaths before heading back to the lab to tell the team of the contents of the call.

_***************************************************************************************_

Kurt regained consciousness again in the dark room in which they had locked him. He let out a quiet moan as he moved. His ribs and his whole torso ached from the numerous beatings Wolff had given him. He was shivering, the room was cool and they had taken off his shirt right after they captured him and used the stun gun on him. How long had he been here? Hours, days? He couldn’t tell. The beatings and torture all became a blur. Must have been for more than a day at least.

Kurt’s thoughts drifted to Jane. He knew she was probably driving herself mad with worry and guilt. His only consolation was that the team was with her. He knew they would look after Jane if he wouldn’t make it. The thought of her was his only ray of light at this point. He knew the protocols, he knew that the FBI and everyone else was looking for him after Wolff had made it known with his live feed that he had Weller.

Hearing movement outside the door, he felt his heart rate increasing and a sweat break out on his forehead. They were coming to take him back to Wolff. He was about to be plunged into the world of pain again. Two men entered, one of them apparently the one whose nose Kurt had managed to break when they captured him. Kurt grinned internally and he wasn’t going to give up now either. He knew his best chance of escape was as they were taking him to Wolff. As one man grabbed his arm to pull him up, Weller aimed a punch as his groin and leapt on him as the man fell down.

But he wasn’t fast enough. When Weller was about to turn and charge the second man he could only grunt in pain as the stun gun made contact with his neck and dropped him to the ground as the man maintained the contact.

“You fucking Fed!” Weller heard the first man curse and next he felt two hard kicks to his ribs and stomach. He groaned as his ribs telegraphed the pain all around his body.

“Good thing I had the stun gun with me, huh?” the second man smugly told his companion as he roughly pulled Weller’s hands behind his back and cuffed them.

“Yeah…Too bad for him, that’s only the beginning. Here.”   

Weller felt them tie a blindfold over his eyes and then lift him to his feet. The pain in his ribs was pulsing, he could only shuffle forward as the men dragged him between them.

“Ahh, Agent Weller,” he heard Wolff’s voice from somewhere. “Now all we need to do is to get you situated before starting the show for your friends at the FBI.”

The men holding Weller opened the cuffs and forced him to lie down on something. They pulled his hands above his head before re-cuffing him into something that made a metallic clink.  His legs were secured to the other end. Next, he gasped in shock and shivered as cold water hit him.

Weller tried to control his breathing “ _Are they going to waterboard me?”_

The realization hit him as he felt them pull his pant leg up and tie something around his ankle. It was a wire, and he was lying on a metallic bed frame, soaked to the bone. “ _Oh shit.”_ He couldn’t see what was coming and the thought unnerved him even more. He didn’t know when and he didn’t know where the pain would hit him. But he knew that it would be bad.

“Hello again, FBI,” Kurt heard Wolff addressing the small webcam in the corner of the room. He walked next to where Weller was lying and it sounded like he was fiddling with something.

“For your agents’ sake I hope you’re not trying to find Weller here. Because each cop that comes after me will suffer the same fate as him. Although, I might be a bit more merciful with them. With Weller, it’s personal.”

Weller grunted between his teeth as something touched his thigh and the electricity surged through him. _“Another wire,”_ Kurt realized as his thigh felt like it was being torn into pieces.

“Stings, huh?” Wolff said gleefully.

“You…do…realize..you’ll get…the death penalty…for this?  When they…. catch you.” Weller said while gasping for breath.

“But who says they will?”

The next shock lasted for what felt like minutes and this time it hit his abdomen, the metal and the water intensifying the sensation. Still, Weller held himself in check and groaned, not wanting to give his captor the satisfaction of hearing him scream. He breathed hard through his nose, trying to prepare for the next wave of pain. He could hear the blood rushing in his ears and felt his heart rate increase, as the fear of not knowing where and when the hit would come was starting to get a hold on him. “Still trying to keep up that stoic façade, Agent Weller? You’ll scream soon enough.”

And he did, as the next shock hit his groin.

“Told you, you would.” Wolff goaded him.

“Go to hell, Wolff.”

“Maybe someday. But you’ll live through it before I let you die.” Wolff pressed the wire into Weller’s exposed chest and kept it there as Kurt struggled against his restraints in vain and screamed in agony. The pain was becoming so intense Kurt could only focus on getting air into his lungs as the shock abruptly stopped.

“Oh, did that hurt?” Wolff asked with faked concern. “But we’re just getting started.”

The next shocks were all around his body. His feet, his arms, his chest. Wolff didn’t ask anything, only laughed and taunted him.

The worst was the shock directed at Weller’s side and his broken ribs. Weller heard his own screams and all he saw behind his blindfold was the piercing pain invading every cell in his body before he lost consciousness.   

“That was just a demonstration, FBI. I want that information on Cynthia: the longer it takes you, the worse he suffers,” Wolff spoke menacingly into the webcam before cutting the signal.

_***************************************************************************************_

As Weller’s screams quieted and unconsciousness blissfully claimed him, you could hear a pin drop in Patterson’s lab. Patterson was staring at the feed, silent tears running down her cheeks; Rich stood behind her with his hand on her shoulder. He was pale and looked like he was going to be sick at any moment. Tasha stood with her hands tightly fisted at her sides, quietly cursing in Spanish. Reade, next to Zapata as if nailed to the spot, was staring at the now blank feed. Almost like he was still processing the horror they had just witnessed.

But the most affected was Jane. Still looking at the screen, all she saw in her mind now was Kurt straining against his bonds as the shocks hit him and all she heard were his agonized screams. Her breathing was rapid, her heart was beating like it was going to burst through her chest. It felt like the room was collapsing on her. Jane turned and fled the lab, nearly running into the locker room.

Bypassing her own locker, she collapsed onto the bench in front of Kurt’s locker, wanting desperately to feel closer to her husband. She hugged her knees to her chest, leaning her head against them, no longer able to hold back the hot tears that spilled onto her cheeks.

Her husband was stuck in hell and, despite all her training, there was nothing she could do. He was in agony and she was helpless to stop it. Seeing Kurt withstand the horrible things Wolff did to him and hearing his grunts and inevitable cries of pain, it was eating her up inside. When she had been in the hands of the CIA, she’d remembered she had counter-interrogation training to better withstand what was done to her.

Kurt had no such training. Not that it would have necessarily helped: that wasn’t interrogation, Wolff only wanted to inflict as much pain on Kurt as he could. That realization and her increasing desperation just made Jane cry harder.

“Jane?” She heard Patterson call her softly from the locker room door.  

She tried to get her breathing under control, but the tears still flowed. ”Yeah.”

Spotting Jane and seeing how distressed she was, Patterson took a couple of quick strides and sat down next to her, putting an arm around her and pulling Jane to her side. Jane leaned into the embrace, grateful for the comfort.

“Hey…We’ll find him.” Patterson whispered reassuringly and rubbed Jane’s shoulder as she cried.

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Patterson.” Jane replied with a shuddering breath.

“We have all the law enforcement agencies in the state looking for him. And Rich’s contacts are scouring the Dark Web if they find any traces there.”

“Kurt wouldn’t be in this situation if it wasn’t for me and the tattoos. It’s my fault Wolff has him.”

“What? JANE, NO!”  Patterson vehemently denied.

“Yes, it is! Roman used Kurt as his price to get some information on Crawford from Wolff. And now, because my brother wants to hurt me, Kurt is paying the price.” Jane argued before dissolving into sobs.

Patterson knelt on the floor in front of Jane and grabbed her shoulders gently. “Jane…This is not your fault,” she said with conviction.” Andrew Wolff had a history with Weller long before you entered his life.”

Jane lifted her head from her knees and looked at Patterson with agony in her eyes. “But Roman used--”

Patterson sighed and squeezed Jane’s shoulders gently. “He got lucky! Jane, please don’t blame yourself for this.”

“Kurt wouldn’t want you to,” she finished softly.

Jane drew in a shuddering breath, gathering herself as she looked at Patterson with gratitude. “Thank you, Patterson. I just- -."

“It’s going to be OK. We’ll find him, I promise.”  

_***************************************************************************************_

Jane was sitting in the conference room, a half dozen empty take-away coffee cups littering the table. Among the cups were Wolff’s case files that she’d pored over for the umpteenth time, hoping to find some clue as to where Kurt might have been taken. They’d checked Wolff’s old addresses, places of employment, even where he took his teenage victims, and still turned up nothing.

It had already been almost three days since Kurt had been taken but, despite the team’s requests and her own exhaustion, Jane just couldn’t bear to go home. She couldn’t spend time in their apartment where practically everything reminded her of Kurt. Not now, when she feared that despite everything they were doing, Wolff would get his way and they wouldn’t find her husband before it was too late. Jane had always tried to protect him, even when it hurt her. Keeping the truth of Emma Shaw’s death from him, leaving the country, leaving _Kurt_ , to protect him. They had all backfired. No matter how hard she tried, she always failed. Maybe Roman was right, maybe she wasn't meant to be happy. Happy or not, she still loved Kurt; she needed to find him.  Jane mentally stamped down on the tears that were threatening to surface, as she thought what Kurt was enduring in Wolff’s hands. She forced herself to focus on the files yet again, as Tasha knocked on the door and entered.

“Hey,” Jane greeted her absentmindedly, her attention on the papers in front of her.

“Hey” Tasha walked up to Jane and just looked at her for a long moment.

“What?”

“When’s the last time you slept, Jane?” She asked, her tone almost casual, but worry still evident.

Jane tried to shrug off her friend’s concern and convince her she was fine.

“Don’t worry, I caught a couple of hours of sleep on the couch in the break room.

” “When?”

“Yesterday. Are you interrogating me, now?” Jane gave Tasha a glare.

Tasha sighed. “We’re just worried about you,” she said sympathetically. “You running yourself to the ground won’t help you, or Weller.”

Dropping the file to the table, Jane’s look softened. “I know. I’m sorry, Tasha.” She leaned her head against her palm and spoke quietly “I just...I just need to get Kurt back.”

Tasha squeezed her shoulder gently. “We all do. And we’ll find him. He’s one of us. He’s family.”

Jane was about to speak as the phone vibrated on the table with a message. “It’s Patterson...the live feed is coming back on.”

_***************************************************************************************_

Kurt didn’t resist the two men as they came and dragged him from his makeshift cell again. He couldn’t. His muscles felt like they had been torn apart and everything hurt. After shutting the camera of the last streamed torture session Wolff had repeated it twice as Kurt had regained consciousness after passing out from the pain. He didn’t know how long it had lasted or how long he’d been out. He had no way to tell time, having lost his watch in the scuffle at the airport.

They sat him down in a chair and cuffed his hands behind the back of it. The handcuffs didn’t stop the circulation in his hands but were tight enough to cut into his skin.

Wolff was fiddling with the small camera again, his back turned. Kurt could feel the now familiar cold sweat on his skin. His mind and his body were already screaming at him to get away.

Wolff turned to him and sat something on a table in the shadows before walking over. “Back again…your friends haven’t delivered the information on my ex-wife."

Kurt gave him a look resembling a glare. “Your wife is in witness protection, Wolff. Because of _you_. They won’t give you that information, no matter what you do to me.”  

Wolff just gave him a malicious look. “Are you sure, Agent Weller?”

He turned away momentarily and, as he faced Kurt again, there was a sound that would haunt Kurt for a long time.

As Kurt heard the whirring sound, his breathing changed. He was breathing deeply through his nose, trying to prepare his body for what was about to come. When the tip of the power drill dug into his upper arm, Kurt bit his teeth together, containing his scream as the drill tore into his flesh. After Wolff withdrew the drill Kurt was panting from the exertion, his head leaning on his chest.

“Still trying to stay impassive I see. Shame. You know how this works by now.”

Knowing that Wolff was probably doing the live stream again, Kurt spoke, hoping to send a message that they shouldn’t risk an innocent’s life for his. “The FBI…..doesn’t…have access.. to the…information.. on your ex-wife. Nor would… they give it.”

Kurt gave a small grunt as Wolff pulled his head up and held the bloodied drill bit in front of him. He pressed the trigger, letting the drill spin. Wolff leaned in by Kurt’s ear and spoke in a chilling tone. “We’ll see. I can live without getting my hands on her. You, on the other hand….You’re much more rewarding a target, Special Agent Weller. Cynthia is just a bonus. As nice as it would be to get my hands on that treacherous bitch, she’s only a bonus.”

Next, the drill dug into Kurt side and he struggled against the handcuffs as Wolff held contact with the drill longer than the first time. Kurt let out a choked scream as the pain became too much to bear. His lungs were on fire as his ribs protested the screams. He yelled as the searing pain hit his other arm. He could feel the twist drill bit tearing into him, its motion gouging out the flesh.

It was then that Kurt caved. He just wanted the pain to end. His voice was a pleading whimper as he begged Wolff ”No...no. Please, stop.”

Wolff stayed quiet and grinned, seemingly taking pleasure in Kurt’s screams and the pain he was inflicting as he kept going and changed the drill’s target, from Kurt’s side to his torso and to his thigh and then to his side again. Kurt’s entire existence was consumed by white-hot searing pain.

***************************************************************************************

In the lab, Jane, Patterson and Rich watched in horror as Wolff continued torturing Kurt. Reade and Tasha had stepped out to coordinate the search.

Patterson turned to Jane, who was staring at the screen, tears running down her face. “You don’t have to watch this…You shouldn’t watch this.”

Despite her tears, Jane’s words were emphatic, although pained. “Yes, I do. He’s my _husband._ I need to know.”

Jane could see Patterson swallow heavily and nod before turning back to the other monitors with Rich. Jane stared at the screen again, witnessing Kurt’s torment, and she whispered his name desperately, as if hoping he could hear her and draw strength from that.

“I think we’ve got something” Rich suddenly spoke up.

Jane turned away from the live stream and stared at Rich, not sure she heard him right, suddenly feeling a glimmer of hope. “What?”

Rich pointed to the screen. “I was analyzing the video we recorded earlier and was able to find this pattern on the wall behind Wolff…. And it got a hit in the tattoo database.”

Jane felt her heart nearly stop. “WHAT? How’s that possible? How could Wolff’s connection be-“

“It could be Roman,” Patterson piped in as Rich tapped away on a keyboard.

“Jane, that logo belongs to a storage company that has 7 sites in the outskirts of New York.” Rich continued. “Six of them are operational, but one of them was shut down seven years ago. Wolff used to work in the neighborhood, so he must’ve known the place”.

“So, that’s most likely where he’s holding Weller.” Patterson finished.

Jane was already halfway out the door to go alert Tasha and Reade that they had found where Kurt was. She just hoped they wouldn’t be too late. She couldn’t bear the thought of losing him now, after everything.

***************************************************************************************

Kurt was lying on the floor of his makeshift dungeon, trying to stay as still as he could so as not to aggravate his injuries. All he could feel was the agony invading his body. He felt the pain pulsing in his nerves that the drill had mauled and saw the blood on himself.

He drifted in and out of consciousness when the pain became too strong. Sometimes it was only darkness and sweet oblivion, but on occasion it was Jane that he saw. He felt her touch and heard her voice, but then reality interfered and he was pulled into wakefulness by his pain.

This time he was brought back to reality by a hard kick to his stomach. He cried out in agony, unable to resist as he was nudged onto his back. He opened his eyes to see Wolff standing over him.

Wolff smirked in satisfaction, seeing his pain. “Special Agent Weller. Not so special now, are you? I told you your own people couldn’t come get you in time. Even though they must’ve had quite the manhunt to find you.”

“They’ll get you Wolff…you’re way too arrogant to- “Kurt cried out again as Wolff put his boot on Kurt’s stomach and pressed down.

“Even if they would, you won’t be there to see it. As fun as it has been to see you squirm in pain, now it’s time for me to go.”

Kurt saw Wolff raise a pistol and aim it at him. “I did promise to return you to your wife in one piece for burial, so I won’t shoot you in the head. Goodbye, Weller.”

Then Kurt felt a burning sensation hit his chest, right before he heard the popping sound of the gunshot. It felt like someone had stuck a blowtorch inside his chest. Every breath felt like a stab. His field of vision narrowed and blurred and Wolff disappeared from above him. He couldn’t move, like he was nailed to the spot. He felt like a fish on dry land, desperately trying to get air into his lungs, gasping for breath.

*************************************************************************************

The noise of the door opening gave Kurt a boost of strength and he slowly lifted himself up to lean on his elbows. He could hear sporadic gunshots and when he looked towards the door, he saw a figure standing in the doorway, their features hidden by the light flowing in from behind them. Kurt felt another surge of fear hit him again. ” _It’s Wolff, he decided to come back to finish this properly. He’s just going to hurt you again.”_ He weakly tried to half-shuffle, half-drag himself into the shadows, to the corner, but he moved maybe a foot before his body gave out and he collapsed against the wall. “No...Leave me.”  

Jane saw a figure on the floor of the dark storage room. She took a step into the room with her weapon at the ready until she realized who it was. Holstering her pistol, she walked to the end of the room, dropped beside him and reached towards him. Kurt flinched at her touch, trying to push her away as he tried to retreat further. “No, get away from me!”  

Her eyes filled with tears as she saw the fear and pain on Kurt’s face. “Kurt,” she whispered hoarsely. “It’s me.” She risked another touch at him, she _needed_ to touch him: to reassure herself as much as him.

Kurt looked at her through half-lidded eyes “Jane…”, his tone unsure and his breathing shallow.

She ran her hand through his hair and tenderly caressed his cheek. Her voice broke in desperation as she tried to get through to him “I’m here, Kurt.”

“Jane…” he struggled to get up and moaned weakly at the movement.

She carefully pushed Kurt back down and softly pressed her lips to his brow for a fleeting moment, hoping to calm him. “Shhh, don’t talk. Stay still, just stay still.”

Kurt coughed again, a trickle of blood running down his chin from his mouth. He cast a fearful look at Jane as he fought his way back up. He wasn’t afraid of her now, she could tell, but more what was happening to him.

Seeing him struggle, Jane helped Kurt sit back up and cradled him so that he was leaning against her. She kissed his temple, feeling him lean into her touch and into her. “I’m here. It’s okay, Kurt….it’s okay. I’ve got you,” she whispered soothingly.

Her touch seemed to ease his anxiety and he closed his eyes, his breathing labored. Now that she had gotten through to him, she turned her eyes to his battered form.

Kurt’s chest was covered in blood and his wrists had deep bloody lines where the handcuffs had eaten into his skin as he’d struggled. His arm was covering his stomach protectively and she could make out the angry wounds and bruises on him. Then, she saw one wound that was still bleeding steadily and realized what it was.

“Patterson!” She spoke into the comms, unable to hide the slight tinge of panic in her voice. “Get the paramedics in here, now! Kurt’s been shot.”

“They’re already on their way. How bad is it?” Jane heard Patterson’s voice in her ear as she moved Kurt to lean on the wall, while she shrugged out of her jacket. She gently draped it over him to try and keep him warm.  

Kurt let out a weak cry of pain as Jane pressed her hands against the wound under the jacket, desperately trying to stem the flow of blood. “I’m sorry, Kurt. I know it hurts,” she whispered to him, her voice catching in her throat. “He’s been shot in the chest…..Please, tell them to hurry.”

“They’re almost there. Just a little longer. Tasha’s meeting them outside right now.” Patterson tried to reassure her, but Jane heard the strain in her friend’s voice.

Jane looked at Kurt. He was semi-conscious and his face was starting to get ashen. “Hold on, Kurt. Please, hold on.”


	2. One Step at a Time, Part 2

“Kurt..Kurt!”, he opened his eyes to Jane’s pleading voice and tried to focus on her face.

He gave a shallow gasp of pain, starting to panic as he felt he couldn’t get enough air. His hand sought out Jane’s on his chest and he grasped it weakly “Can’t…breathe.”

He felt Jane squeeze his hand before she pressed down on the wound again. “The ambulance is here. It’s going to be okay,” she leaned into him and spoke softly. “I need to move to give them room, but I won’t leave you. I promise.”

A young woman knelt next to Kurt and set a bag down beside her. “Hi, I’m Tina. I’m an EMT.“ “This guy behind me is my partner, Alex. We’re here to help you, OK?”

Next thing Weller fuzzily noted was someone lifting him somewhere and placing something on his face. He tried to reach for the offending object when someone grabbed his hand gently but firmly. Tina’s face hovered above his. “Hey…hey. Keep that there, alright. It’s an oxygen mask, it’ll help you breathe a little easier.” He gave a small nod and closed his eyes, welcoming the darkness again.

Sometime later another jolt of pain hit Kurt. He didn’t understand what was going on. He could see someone hovering over him and groaned weakly as something pressed down on his chest. He heard some unintelligible voices in the background. Fear started to take over. _“Is it Wolff? No, no it can’t be. Where’s..”_

_“_ Jane,” he called from behind the mask anxiously with as much strength as he could muster as he tried to move to see if she was there. “Jane!” His whole body exploded with white-hot pain following his efforts and he cried out.

“Hey, buddy.. easy there. You’re OK. She’s here, she’s sitting at the front,” Alex assured him. “You’re in an ambulance. You’re going to be alright.”

Weller felt his fear ease a bit after the medic’s assurance. _“They won’t hurt me”_ he told himself.

Tina’s face appeared in front of him again, holding something in her hand and he tried to focus his vision on her and the object. “Kurt, this is a regular BP cuff. You don’t mind if I call you, ‘Kurt’, do you? I’m gonna put it on your arm, so that I can get your blood pressure, OK? It’ll feel a bit like this.” Kurt felt her squeeze his arm hard and nodded.

“Alright, it’s going to start getting tighter now..” He was vaguely aware of the fabric around his arm and then the pressure as the cuff inflated. “Almost done, Kurt….there we go.”

Alex was leaning over him, attaching something to his chest, and Tina was on Weller’s other side.  

“OK, now you’ll feel a sting,” Tina said and before Kurt had a chance to react, an IV had already been inserted in his arm. He hardly noticed it, his whole world consumed by agony regardless of the needle.

“We’ll be at the hospital in a couple of minutes and the doctors will give you something for the pain and fix you up, alright?” Tina assured him and he tried to nod but even that felt like an effort.

The next thing he registered was bright lights above him and people above him talking animatedly, apparently to each other.

“Jane…Jane.” Soon he felt a familiar touch squeezing his hand and then Jane’s face appeared above him.

“I’m here. It’s okay. You’re going to be okay.”

************************************************************************************

As they rolled Weller into the trauma room, one of the nurses turned to Jane, telling her she should wait outside. Again, she could only observe from afar as the doctors and nurses hovered around Kurt. All of a sudden she felt terribly cold. Looking down, she noticed her hands and her shirt were stained crimson red. She couldn’t see the blood on her black shirt, but she felt it.

_“Oh God, there was so much of it.”_

Jane was conflicted: on the one hand, she desperately wanted to wash the blood off her hands, but on the other her mind kept telling her that if she did, it would mean that she was giving up on Kurt. And she didn’t want to, _couldn’t,_ give up on him. Tears blurred Jane’s vision as she kept watching the activity through the small window. _“I can’t lose him. Please…”_

After observing the activity, Jane couldn’t bear to watch anymore and walked over to a row of chairs that still had a view of the door to the trauma room. She sat down in one of the chairs and looked down at her bloody hands. One of them was trembling. She willed for it to stop, but it continued. She didn’t remember when she’d had physical reactions like this to something. Taking a deep breath, Jane started to run the course of events from the past few days in her head.

 “Mrs. Weller?”

Jane had been so lost in her thoughts she hadn’t noticed the doctor approach before he was standing in front of her and addressing her.

“Yes?”

“I’m Doctor Clarke, the trauma surgeon treating your husband.”

“How is he?”

“Your husband’s condition is serious. In addition to the gunshot wound to the chest, he is bleeding internally in his abdomen. Those are the most urgent of his injuries. We were able to treat the hemothorax partially with a chest tube, but the abdominal injuries require surgery. Although this is an emergency, I still try to explain to my patients’ families why we need to do the surgery and to ask their permission. You’re listed as Agent Weller’s next-of kin, so the decision is yours as your husband cannot give his informed consent. Do we have your consent?”

“Yes, of course.” Jane replied, unable to hide the slight tremor in her voice as the severity of Kurt’s injuries sunk in.

“Good. Does he have any allergies or is he on any medication.”

“No, he’s not allergic to anything. And not on any medication either.”

“OK, good. We’re about to take him to surgery now.”

Jane looked at the doctor and she knew he could probably read the fear on her face as she spoke. “Can I see him, please?”

“Yes, of course you may. I’ll take you to him for a moment.”

As soon as Dr. Clarke had said that, the trauma room doors opened and medics wheeled Kurt out on the gurney. The doctor asked the team to stop and nodded to Jane.

Jane stepped up to the gurney, her attention caught by the dressing covering Kurt’s chest, the crimson color slowly increasing on it. He was unconscious, oblivious to the activity around him. He still had the IVs and oxygen mask on and a bag of blood was hanging in the IV pole, its line trying to replace some of the blood he had already lost. Jane grabbed Kurt’s hand and squeezed it gently, her thumb caressing his wedding band. She didn’t care there were other people around, the only thing that mattered to her at that moment was him. She leaned in, nuzzling his neck and whispered, “Hang on Kurt, please. Don’t leave me now. I’ll be right here when you wake up. I love you.”

She placed a featherlight kiss on his cheek and gave his hand a final squeeze before stepping back. She watched the trauma team wheel him to the elevator and prayed that it wouldn’t be the last time she saw him alive. 

***************************************************************************************

Jane stepped past the nurse into Kurt’s room and stopped to take in the sight before her. The older woman must have noticed the look in Jane’s eyes, as she spoke to her in an understanding tone.

“I know the machines surrounding him might look scary and overwhelming, but they’re there to help him. As his condition improves, they’ll be removed. He just needs a bit of help right now.”

“Yes, I know,” Jane replied almost meekly, tears brimming her eyes as she looked at Kurt. “It still doesn’t make it any easier.”

The nurse touched Jane’s arm briefly. “Take all the time you want. Press the call button if there’s anything you need.”

“Thank you.”

With that, she left, leaving Jane alone with Kurt in the room.

Jane walked over to her husband and swallowed heavily as she looked at his still form on the bed. He was sedated, a ventilator now breathing for him. Its hiss and the beeping of the other machines were the only sounds in the room. Kurt’s chest was swathed in bandages, as were parts of his arms. Jane was sure there were many more on him covering the wounds that she couldn’t see right now. He also had two drains attached to him: the tubing of one in his side snaking to a device on the floor that suctioned the blood from his lung. The other drain was resting on his stomach, the shape of its containers visible through the thin hospital blanket.

Kurt had regained some color on his face, Jane noted as she lovingly caressed his bearded cheek, wincing as she traced a bruise on his cheekbone. She shuddered at the memory of his ashen face when they had finally found him, after everything that had been done to him. What tore at her heart even worse was the desperation and fear she could hear in his voice as he’d shouted for her in the ambulance. He needed her, but she couldn’t go to him since the medics needed the space so they could keep him alive until they reached the hospital. All she could do then was to turn in the front seat and talk from there, hoping he would hear her voice.

Jane sat down in a chair next to Kurt’s bed and threaded her fingers through his, squeezing them gently.

“I’m sorry, Kurt. This is all my fault, I’m so sorry” her voice broke on the last word and she let the tears fall, no longer trying to maintain the façade of invincibility that she so often projected.

********************************************************************************

“The doctors say his condition is serious. The things Wolff did to him, Allie…” Jane’s fingers clenched around the phone. She couldn’t describe what she had witnessed. Seeing Kurt getting tortured and being unable to stop it had shaken her. She was supposed to watch his back and she had failed.

Jane swallowed the lump that rose again in her throat. “They have him on a ventilator, he was shot in the chest and he was bleeding into his abdomen. He looked so pale, there was so much blood.  I’m afraid that he won’t….” Jane trailed off, unable to finish the sentence as a small sob escaped her. She leaned forward in the chair in which she was sitting and rested her forehead on her free hand, silent tears making their way down her cheeks and landing on her thighs.

Allie’s voice was soft and sympathetic “Jane…Kurt Weller is a stubborn man if I ever saw one. He’s a fighter. We both know that.”

“Yeah,” Jane said with a small smile, even though Allie couldn’t see it over the phone.

“He chased you to the other side of the world. That’s how much he loves you. I know you’ve had your issues, but he still loves you, Jane. And I know you love him.”

“Yeah, more than anything.”

“So, just be there for him. Kurt _will_ get through this. He’s too good to have a twisted murderer take him from you. From us,” Allie finished with conviction.

“Thanks, Allie. I know Kurt means a lot to you too, and I’m grateful to count you as my friend.”

“Anytime. Look, I’m making arrangements here to fly over there to come see you. They need me to tie up a few things in relation to the investigation. Hopefully, I should be there in a couple days. But call me if you need to and if anything changes, OK?”

“I will. Thank you.”

“Bye, Jane.”

“Bye.”

***************************************************************************************

It had been a long few days. All of the members of the team had stopped by, Tasha and Patterson staying for longer to keep Jane company. Jane had stayed at the hospital for nearly the entire time, reluctant to leave Kurt’s side. Patterson had managed to talk her into going home to sleep for a few hours, while she stayed with Weller. Jane had protested, but acquiesced. And to be honest, she did feel more refreshed after sleeping a few hours at home. She felt hopeful now, her fears had lessened knowing that Kurt was safe at least.

But he wasn’t out of the woods yet. Jane was again sitting by Kurt’s bedside, waiting for him to regain consciousness. The doctors had taken him off the ventilator a couple of hours earlier and moved him out of the ICU. They were confident that Kurt’s lung had re-inflated and he could breathe on his own again.  

Jane noticed Kurt shifting very slightly on the bed and she saw his heart rate was rising on the monitor he was hooked up to. _Could he be waking up?_   She heard Kurt mumbling something under his oxygen mask and started to lean in. Suddenly, Kurt sat up, trying to grab the IV in his arm and move away. His heart rate was shooting up to 180. Something was wrong.

Jane managed to grab his arm just in time before he yanked the IV out. “Kurt! Don’t!”

She stood and gently pushed him back onto the bed. He struggled against her hold, but in his weakened condition he couldn’t fight her off. “No. Not again..No.”

Standing there, seeing Kurt’s reaction shattered her. His eyes were unfocused, he was looking around the room frantically, as if searching for something. _“He’s back in that warehouse, being tortured.”_ The alarms on the heart rate monitor were ringing in Jane’s ear. She spoke to him quietly, hoping she could break through the hell he was trapped in. “Kurt! Kurt, it’s okay. It’s okay.”

Hearing Jane’s voice, Kurt turned his eyes in her direction and tried to focus on her.

She saw the recognition dawning on his face and he stopped struggling. “Jane…” he whispered her name almost like a plea, terror in his eyes.

She couldn’t bear to watch his torment, and gently pulled him against her chest, pressing her cheek against his head. One of the nurses burst in the room to check on the alarm but she backed away as Jane gave her a reassuring look that things were OK. Jane ran her hand tenderly through Kurt’s hair and whispered to him.

“Shh…you’re safe. You’re with me now. He can’t get to you.”

At her words, Kurt seemed to lean into her even more and she could hear his labored breathing through the oxygen mask. She had never seen him like this, so scared. It had begun to occur to Jane how rocky the road to recovery might be, both physically and emotionally. As she continued her soft whispers, his heart rate normalized and he seemed to calm in her embrace.

“Come on, my love, lie down.”

Helping him settle back on the bed, she saw his forehead was creased in pain, his breathing shallow and cautious, almost like he was trying to avoid taking deep breaths. When Kurt groaned quietly and closed his eyes, Jane pressed the call button by the bed. The nurse soon appeared, checking Kurt’s vitals and the IVs and drains attached to him. Jane’s heart felt like lead and she was barely able to keep herself from intervening when Kurt cried out as the nurse checked the site of the injury. Luckily, he hadn’t torn anything. The nurse spoke to Kurt reassuringly, promising to return soon with something for his pain.

Jane felt so utterly helpless, something she had never experienced before; not like this. She loved Kurt more than anyone in this world, and there was nothing she could do to ease his agony. She could only watch and hope that her touches and presence brought him some comfort. Her only solace was the thought that at least no one would hurt him anymore.  Jane kissed Kurt’s brow softly and sat down in the chair beside his bed again.

“It’s okay…you’ll get some pain relief soon,” she soothed, taking his hand and running her thumb over his knuckles.

Kurt gripped her hand tighter, drawing a ragged breath before closing his eyes. He didn’t make a sound but Jane could see the agony on his face. She felt the tears well up and carefully wiped her eyes with her other hand.

Thankfully, the nurse appeared soon and injected the morphine into Kurt’s arm. Jane felt his grip loosen and his body relax as the drug kicked in.

 Kurt opened his eyes, tiredly locking his eyes with hers. “Jane…stay.”

Jane leaned in close, tenderly caressing his forehead. “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” She saw a small smile briefly cross his lips and felt a tiny glimmer of hope. Running her hand through his short hair, she watched as he closed his eyes again and whispered lovingly to him. “Sleep now. You need to rest.

***************************************************************************************

Kurt had now spent a little over a week in the hospital. His memories were fuzzy except for the last couple of days. They had finally removed the drains from him yesterday, but he was still hooked up to other kinds of medical equipment. He had been able to coax Jane to go home for the night the previous evening, telling her he’d just be sleeping anyway. Jane had protested at first, but as Kurt told her it would ease _his_ mind to know she was sleeping at home, she gave in. Kurt felt like he spent most of his days sleeping anyway, the painkillers and antibiotics making him drowsy.

Glancing at the clock on the wall of his room, he noticed it was a little after 9 am and guessed that Jane would be returning soon, as she had promised last night. Come to think of it, Kurt was glad Jane hadn’t been there during the night, because he hadn’t actually slept more than a couple of hours. He’d fallen asleep soon after Jane left but had been awoken by a very vivid nightmare. Wolff had been in it, as had Jane. As Wolff tortured him in the dream, he had seen Jane standing further away and called out to her, but she had just turned away and left him at Wolff’s mercy. That was when he woke up to his own shout. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying the banish the thought of the disturbing dream.

He had almost dozed off again, when he heard the door opening and saw Jane enter. He smiled widely; seeing her always made his day better, not to mention now when he was stuck in the hospital.

She leaned in to kiss him softly, before sitting in the chair by his bed and taking his hand. “Hey. How are you feeling? Any better?”

Kurt grinned and squeezed her hand. “Better now that you’re here.”

He moved to sit up a bit more on the bed, unable to stop a groan as the movement stretched the stitches all around his body. “I’ve had enough of lying in this bed. I can’t wait to see something else besides the walls of this room.” He turned his eyes to the ceiling, staring at the tiles there, feeling his irritation growing by the minute.

Jane looked at him with a slightly worried expression and placed her hand on his arm, lightly tracing her fingers up and down. How could she always read him so well? Kurt closed his eyes for a moment and concentrated on her touch, feeling the anxiety lessen at her soft caress.

“I know you’re frustrated,” Jane told him gently. “And the doctors said that if all goes well and you don’t have any set-backs, you can come home in a couple of days.” She gave him a loving smile, moving her hand from his arm and cupped his cheek. “But your injuries were life-threatening…I almost lost you.”

Kurt could see the tears glistening in her eyes and heard the emotion in her voice. He hated seeing Jane hurt and this time was no exception. Now it was his turn to reassure her.  

“Come here,” he spoke softly and lifted his arm, beckoning Jane to come closer. She lay her head against his chest gingerly, her arm draped across him. Kurt could hear her erratic breathing as she fought against the tears. “I’m still here, Jane.”

Jane’s voice sounded so small in Kurt’s ears as she uttered a quiet reply. “Yeah.”

He felt her hand squeeze his shoulder gently, almost as if for emphasis, as she continued in a quiet voice. “I’ve never been more scared, than I was these past days. I’ve probably lost Roman and I just couldn’t bear the thought of losing you, Kurt. Not now, not ever. Not just because I love you, but because you have so many people who would miss you and who love you: “Sarah and Sawyer, the team, Allie, and most of all, Bethany. You’re a great dad and with everything that has happened in your past, you deserve to be there to see her grow up and to be there for her.”

Jane’s mention of Bethany made Kurt shudder inwardly as he remembered Wolff’s insinuations. Luckily, Wolff was dead and would never threaten anyone again. Allie had come by to see him, and he’d had a short Skype call with his daughter, but he still missed her terribly. All this had made him think of his priorities, of his life in general and his life with Jane.

“I know we haven’t talked about this recently, but…” Kurt murmured against her hair, pausing for a moment to gather his courage before voicing the rest of his thoughts. “ ….after this  whole case with Crawford is done, what would you think about us trying for a baby of our own?”

He started slightly as Jane raised her head to look at him. “It’s ok if you want time to think about it or-,“ he nervously went on, averting his eyes, before Jane interrupted him. 

She put her thumb on his lips and shushed him gently.

“Kurt,” her tone was soft as she spoke his name, so he dared to lift his eyes to meet hers. The look in her eyes was so loving that a small smile crept on to his face even before she said anything else. “Yes. I’d love for us to try for a baby of our own.”

She kissed him softly on the lips, but Kurt took the opportunity to deepen the kiss, tangling his hand in her hair and pulling her closer. He just couldn’t wait any longer to have that moment. He’d come so close to death; he’d thought during those times between the torture that he’d never get to see Jane or kiss her again.

After a moment, Jane gently ended the kiss and pushed him to lay back against the pillows, resting her forehead against his, slightly out of breath. “But that time isn’t yet… You need to heal and get your strength back first.” Her tone was tender, but Kurt could sense the underlying worry in her words.

“Yes, ma’am,” he smiled at Jane.

***************************************************************************************

It was well into the evening. The TV was on, the sounds of the baseball game quietly filling the room. It was background noise; neither Kurt nor Jane were paying attention to what was happening on the screen. Kurt was beginning to feel drowsy again, the latest dose of painkillers starting to work their magic on his tired body. He switched off the TV and looked at Jane, who was sitting by his bedside again. She was slumped over in the chair, her head on the bed nearly pillowed against him.  Sometimes he felt like he didn’t deserve her. She was so strong and smart, and her heart was almost too large for own good at times. She had gone through so much in her life, and yet she still wanted to see the best in people. And that was one of the things that had made him fall in love with her.

“Did I ever tell you how beautiful you are?” he murmured, while slowly running his hand through Jane’s hair.

“Hmm?” Jane turned to face him, apparently not having heard what he asked. So, he repeated his question, now gazing in to her eyes as he moved a tendril of her hair away from her face.

Jane laughed at him, tears glistening in her eyes. “I haven’t slept in days, I probably have huge bags under my eyes and my hair is a mess.”

“I know, “he smiled, “but you will always be beautiful to me.”

Jane leaned in, framing his face in her hands and kissed him softly on the lips.

“I love you, Kurt Weller,” she said quietly, her voice husky with emotion.

“I love you, too.” Kurt closed his eyes, Jane’s soft touches relaxing him, dragging him closer to sleep. “You should go home, Jane, get some sleep,” he mumbled sleepily.

“I will, in a little while,” was her soft reply and the last words his brain registered before the tiredness won out and he fell asleep.


	3. One Step at a Time, Part 3

* * *

 

It was late at night. Still, you could still hear some sounds of living in the building. Someone was singing and someone else was taking a shower. Occasionally there was some shouting in the street. But Kurt and Jane’s apartment was quiet. Kurt had been released from the hospital for home recovery just the previous day. Jane had been happy to get him home, and Kurt was beyond glad that he got to leave the hospital behind, even if his injuries still drained him quickly of any energy.

Jane woke up to find Kurt tossing and turning on his side of the bed, mumbling something in his sleep. She glanced at the clock on his bedside table _1.37 am_. He was clearly agitated and Jane could make out a word here and there. He was reliving the events in his sleep. She reached out and ran her fingers up and down his arm calmingly “Kurt…It’s a dream, it’s only a dream.” Jane moved closer to him carefully, their bodies nearly touching. “You’re home. You’re safe. Shh.” Gradually, he calmed and fell back into a peaceful sleep.

It was Kurt’s shout that woke Jane up again a couple of hours later. He was covered in sweat and his breathing was erratic. He slumped back on the bed next to her.

Jane turned towards him and lay a gentle hand on his chest, mindful of the dressings still covering his torso. She could feel his heart beating a hundred times a minute.

“ Shhh….it’s okay. “

As he turned to look at her, she could see a distraught look in his eyes. His was almost gasping for breath and Jane could see from his face that he was in pain.

“Breathe. You’re safe. Just concentrate on your breathing.”

Jane inched next to him and ran her fingers through his hair soothingly. She saw Kurt close his eyes and after a moment his breathing was almost back to normal.

“Was it a nightmare?” She asked quietly and pressed a soft kiss to his collarbone, although she knew the answer.

“Yeah.” Kurt winced. Jane could see that he was in a lot of pain again.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Kurt shook his head slightly. “No.”

Jane nuzzled him and kissed his brow. “Okay. But I’m here if you change your mind.”

Kurt cautiously turned to his side so he could see her and gave her a loving look. “I know. Thank you,” he said sincerely. Jane felt his hand caress her arm lightly before he sat up.

“Go back to sleep, my love. I’m gonna go get a glass of water,” he murmured and gingerly got out of bed.

***************************************************************************************  
Kurt closed the bedroom door quietly behind him and sighed. Now the cat was out of the bag. The nightmares had followed him home from the hospital. No matter how hard he tried to keep himself awake, his body gave in and he fell asleep, only to find himself in the throes of a nightmare. Sometimes he wasn’t sure, though, if it was a nightmare or a flashback.

He glanced at himself in front of the hallway mirror. The bruise on his cheek had faded to a faint yellow and his cut lip had healed. He’d even managed to shave yesterday as he got home, although standing for even just a few minutes had drained him of energy. As he padded on down the hall and into the kitchen, he looked at his body, the stapled surgical incisions on his chest and his stomach the most visible reminder of what had happened to him. Smaller, angry looking wounds caused by the drill were scattered around his body, from his arms to his sides and to his thighs, covered with steri-strips. He shuddered, thinking of his dream. All he could see and feel in that dream was the drill digging into his skin again and again and the sound of Wolff’s laugh.

After the drill had dug into his skin a few times, he just couldn’t take it anymore. He just wanted the pain to end. And so, he had broken. He had begged for Wolff to stop. Not to kill him, but to cease hurting him.

_“So much for integrity. The team probably saw that…How can I face them again? How can I do my job anymore?”_

Kurt filled a glass from the faucet and shook the medicine bottle to take a painkiller. Taking a long swig of water, Kurt’s thoughts turned to his waking moments in the hospital and how he had clung to Jane, unsure of his surroundings, when her voice and her touches had acted as his anchor. She had been there for him. But the nightmares were his demons to face. Placing the glass back on the counter, he drew in a shuddering breath and walked to the leather chair in the alcove and sat down. He was tempted to pour himself a glass of scotch, but he knew that he couldn’t do that as long as he was on the pain medication.

Kurt stared out the window, trying to gather his thoughts before heading back to bed. Jane was already worried about him as it was; he couldn’t burden her with the nightmares. He should be able to handle this on his own. His thoughts drifted to his earlier dream, the one with Jane. _“She left you with Wolff and walked away. She walked away.”_ That was the one thought that paralyzed him. That Jane would leave again, and this time he wouldn’t find her. He had already leaned on her too much in the hospital. What Wolff did had changed Kurt; he hoped Jane hadn’t seen everything Wolff had broadcast. She was so fearless and resilient that she would be disappointed if she knew how he had crumbled. He couldn’t worry her even more with the nightmares; he wouldn’t be a burden. He couldn’t take her walking away from him again.

Feeling like he needed some air, Kurt got up and walked over to the balcony and opened the door, stepping out into the cool night air. Goosebumps immediately covered his skin, but he didn’t care; the cold night air felt refreshing. He would have wanted to take a deep breath and inhale it, but he didn’t want to push his luck with his damaged lung just yet. The doctors had told him that he should try to do different kinds of exercises to help it heal, but the pain was still too strong every time he tried to breathe deeply. Instead, he just sat down in the lounge chair and listened to the sounds of the city around him. Kurt could hear a faint police siren somewhere and someone revving a motorcycle over and over. Probably some kid showing off. He smiled briefly, but the next sound he heard made the blood freeze in his veins. He heard an electric buzzing from the street lamp, the same crackle that the battery had made when Wolff tortured him with it.

He felt the sweat on his forehead again, and his heart hammering in his chest. His body was taking him back to that godforsaken warehouse although his mind protested. _“No, no. This isn’t real.”_ Resting his elbows on his knees, Kurt leaned his head on his hands as he struggled to control his breathing and wild heartbeat. That’s when the first small whimper escaped his lips. He pressed his palms against his eyes, trying to stop the tears, but it was no use. He wept quietly and prayed for the crushing feeling to leave him. _“It’s over. Why can’t this end? I just want the pain to stop.”_

***************************************************************************************  
It had been a little over a week since Kurt was released from the hospital. Jane was doing household chores around the apartment and Kurt was lying on the couch, reading. She had been in the laundry room taking some of their clothes out of the dryer and putting another batch in.

“Kurt,” she called out as she emerged from the laundry room and into the hallway. Receiving no answer, she thought maybe he was immersed in reading and hadn’t heard her. As she saw him, she felt a tender smile creep across her face. Kurt had fallen asleep: the magazine was resting on his chest and one of his arms was draped protectively over his stomach.

She approached him quietly and took the magazine off his chest before grabbing the throw blanket off the back of the couch and gently covering him with it. She was glad he was sleeping. The previous night had been tough on Kurt again. He had tried to brush off the nightmares so as not to worry her, but Jane knew he lay awake or got up to avoid falling asleep again. It wasn’t only that he had nightmares. Jane could tell he was still in quite a lot of pain. She could see Kurt’s grimace as he got up on his feet and how carefully he moved to guard his broken ribs. Sleep was good for him right now. Jane went back to doing things around the apartment for a while.

A couple of hours later Kurt was still dozing on the couch and Jane was sitting in an armchair in the living room, reading a book. She glanced at her watch, got up and went to the kitchen to fill a glass of water and grabbed Kurt’s antibiotics and pain medication from the counter.

She knelt next to the couch, running her hand through Kurt’s hair slowly. “Kurt?”

Jane smiled as he didn’t react to her calling his name. She tried again, louder this time.

He turned his head to the side and opened his eyes slightly. “Mmmhh? Hey,” he mumbled, still not fully awake.

Jane moved her hand to cup his cheek and felt him lean into her touch as she replied softly. “Hi.”

Kurt smiled at her drowsily “Sorry, I must have nodded off.”

Jane shook her head slightly and leaned in to kiss him lightly on the lips. “That’s OK. I just didn’t have the heart to wake you earlier. You need the sleep. Besides, I like watching you sleep.”

Kurt quirked an eyebrow in amusement. “You do, huh?”

Jane gave him an affectionate smile. “Yeah, I do.”

Straightening up, Jane took the glass of water from the table behind her and offered it to Kurt. “Here. You need to take your meds. You can go back to sleep after that.”

Kurt let out a frustrated breath but was unable to mask the groan as he sat up slightly to take the glass and tablets from Jane.

As he swallowed the medicine and settled back onto the couch, Jane took his hand, threading her fingers through his. “Kurt…I know you’re frustrated, but it’s only been a week since you were discharged. You were seriously hurt. And it’s going to take time before you heal.”

She looked him in the eye, knowing he could see probably see the worry reflected in her eyes. “Please, don’t push yourself. I don’t want you to end up back in the hospital.”

Kurt looked at her tenderly and gave her a small smile. “I’m going to be okay, Jane.”

Jane returned his smile and squeezed his hand as he settled back into the couch. “I know.”

************************************************************************************  
Kurt was slowly regaining some of his strength. He was taking small walks daily to keep from getting blood clots or other complications in a long list of possibilities. Sarah called him several times a week to check on him and made sure he followed the exercise schedule the hospital physiotherapist had given him. As much as he loved his sister, sometimes her concern nearly drove him crazy.

Kurt and Jane had just returned from a short walk and Jane had gone into the laundry room to get some of their things from the dryer when she suddenly heard a crash from the living room. It sounded like glass breaking.

“Kurt? Is everything OK?” The silence didn’t feel right; he usually answered her. She stepped out of the room into the hallway and looked towards the kitchen.

“Oh my god! Kurt!”

Kurt was sprawled unconscious on the floor by the kitchen counter, surrounded by the broken remains of what had been a half-full coffee pot. Jane was by his side in a moment, and carefully turned him on his back, moving him a bit further from the broken glass. Quickly assessing the situation, she could see that fortunately the glass hadn’t cut him. What caused her to wince was when she looked at Kurt’s right hand. The hot coffee had scalded it and parts of his healing wrist. She quickly grabbed a casserole pan from the cupboard and filled it with cool water, putting Kurt’s hand in it.

She then turned her attention back to his face, speaking to him softly. “Kurt…wake up. Please, wake up.

It had been a couple minutes without any reaction from him, and Jane was becoming very worried. She contemplated calling 911 when Kurt started to come to. She continued speaking softly to him, hoping to prevent another anxiety attack.

“Kurt…open your eyes. Open your eyes,” Jane coaxed him. As he slowly responded, she breathed a sigh of relief.

She smiled at him, touching his cheek gently. “Hey…”

Kurt looked up at her, blinking as he got his bearings. “Hi…what just happened?” he asked as he tried to sit up.  
Jane grabbed his shoulders carefully and firmly pushed him back down. “Easy…just lie still for a bit. You passed out. And, you scalded your hand.” She nodded at his hand, which still rested in the water. “You need to keep it there for a few minutes to stop the burning.”

Kurt closed his eyes and was silent for a minute. Jane could tell he was trying to piece things together in his head. “I remember going to get the coffee and then everything went black.”

Caressing his cheek, she spoke softly, worry audible in her voice. “You need to be careful. Your body’s not 100% yet.”

Kurt heaved a sigh. “Yeah”.

Jane could her the frustration in his voice again.

She slipped her arm behind Kurt’s back and helped him sit up. “Can you get up? Come on, lets get you to the bedroom.”

Despite his weakened condition, Kurt gave her a suggestive look raising his eyebrows and grinned “I love it when you say that.”

Jane gave a small laugh as she supported his weight and helped him stand. “Kurt!  
She pressed a kiss to his left hand as she draped his arm around her shoulder. “There will be time for that later,” she spoke softly. ”Right now, I need to take a look at that burn.”

***************************************************************************************  
As Jane helped Kurt to his feet and they slowly made their way to the bedroom, he was hit with a terrible bout of nausea. All he could hear was the air humming in his ears, like someone had pushed him into an airlock. His whole body was suddenly covered in cold sweat and he wasn’t sure if he was going to be sick or pass out, maybe both. He leaned his weight even more on Jane and felt her tighten her grip on him.

“Ugh, I feel nauseous,” he moaned.

They entered the bedroom and Jane carefully helped him onto the bed.

“Come on, lie down. It’s okay...”

Kurt closed his eyes and tried to breathe deeply as he leaned into the pillows, hoping the queasiness would pass. He felt Jane trace her fingers on his forehead soothingly.

“Do you want some water?” she asked him in a concerned tone after a minute.

Kurt shook his head and groaned again as the movement almost made him dry-heave. He was drenched in cold sweat, he could feel the clamminess on his forehead, his t-shirt felt like it was soaked. All he knew was that he needed to get it off, now.

“Off,” he mumbled as he tried to sit up, starting to remove the offending garment. Kurt hissed in pain when his burned hand made contact with the fabric. Jane reached to help him and, after they got the shirt off, eased him back against the pillows.

Sensing his anxiety, she pressed a soft kiss to his forehead. “It’s okay. Just lie still. I’m going to get the first aid kit.”

Kurt closed his eyes again, noting that the nausea was passing, although slowly. A couple of minutes later he felt the bed dip as Jane returned and sat down next to him. He kept his eyes closed, trying to concentrate on her touch as he felt the painful throbbing of the burn.

Jane’s touch was gentle as she inspected his hand. “Kurt, some of this is a second-degree burn,” she said with concern. “I might have to call Dr Thomas to come over and take a look at it,” she said, referring to their family doctor.

At that, Kurt opened his eyes and looked at her. “Jane, no…” he said, almost pleading.  
“Can’t you just wrap it for now? The docs can take a look at it when I go for the next checkup in the hospital. Please?” He gave her a pleading look. He’d had his fill of doctors for a while, and he didn’t want one in their home right now if he could help it.

Jane looked and him lovingly and smiled. “OK. We’ll do that. But, if it starts showing any signs of infection, I’m taking you to the ER.”

“Thank you," he quietly replied.

She rummaged around the first aid kit for a moment and started to apply Neosporin on the burns. “It’s a blessing in disguise you’re on antibiotics already, so hopefully this won’t get infected.”

“Yeah,” Kurt nodded, only to flinch a moment later as she touched a particularly painful area.

“Sorry.”

Jane wrapped a bandage around his hand and got him his pain medication. The earlier walk and now this had drained him of his energy. Too tired to remove the bedspread to actually get under the covers, he simply closed his eyes and had almost dozed off when he felt Jane shake his shoulder gently.

Opening his eyes slightly, he saw Jane standing by the bed, with one of his long sleeve t-shirts in her hand.

“Here, put this on. You’re shivering.”

Kurt slipped the shirt on, leaned back into the pillows and closed his eyes again. Next, he felt Jane covering him with a throw blanket. He was grateful for her care and her patience, but sometimes she amused him. “Stop fussing, Jane.” he whispered to her with a smile on his lips. “You’re worse than Sarah.”

She kissed him on the lips briefly and he felt her breath on his cheek. “I’m just worried about you,” she said somberly. “I love you.”

“I love you, too” he replied sleepily.

“Get some sleep,” Jane murmured and pressed another kiss to his cheek before leaving the bedroom.

************************************************************************************  
Kurt had now been home for almost a month and he was starting to get cabin fever. He took daily walks to regain his strength, but it irritated him he could barely walk around the block without getting tired. Jane had patiently reminded him of the surgeon’s words that recovering from abdominal surgery alone could take several weeks, not to mention that in Kurt’s case since he had been shot in the chest as well and his lung wasn’t fully healed yet.

The team, including Rich, had stopped by a few times to see him and keep him company but as much as he loved having them over, he was angry at himself that he couldn’t do much. He missed field work, hell, he missed work. Last time they had come over he had gone so far as to ask Reade if he could do some paper work at home. He had heard Jane’s sharp intake of breath and heard the worry in her tone as she protested. Reade had told him in no uncertain terms that there would be no work before he had been cleared for duty.

Today had been another uneventful day. Kurt had been lounging on the couch, surfing the channels, trying to keep himself busy. At least he and Jane had gone out to the store to get some groceries, but it irked him he couldn’t even drive yet. As much as he loved Jane, he absolutely hated being so dependent on others. He was usually the one that others leaned on, not the other way around.

They were putting away the groceries and Kurt had just picked up the 24 can pack of soda, about to put it in the cupboard when Jane reached to take it from his hands.  
“Let me get that. You still need to be careful when lifting things.”

Kurt let Jane take the pack from his hands and walked to the other side of the kitchen island, slamming his palm angrily on the counter, startling her. “For God’s sake! I can’t do anything…”

Jane stepped next to him, placing her hand on his back. “Kurt, it’s going to take time before-“

Kurt stepped away from her and pivoted to face her again as he gave her an angry stare. “Stop it, Jane! I’m so sick of this. All of it. I can’t- “His voice dropped, his anger gone as suddenly as it had appeared. “Maybe I SHOULD have died…”  
Jane gave him a startled look. “You don't mean that."

“You said it yourself!”

Jane looked at him, horrified, and took a step back. Her words spoken in haste that day, that terrible day when Kurt had confessed to killing her daughter, came flooding back. He had said “If I had stayed any longer, I would have died too.” And she, God help her, had replied "Then you should have stayed".

Her voice, when she spoke again, was a whisper. “I didn’t mean it.”

“That’s not how it seemed to me...and then you left, even though I begged you not to.” Kurt could hear her sharp inhale as he said that.

He stepped to the window and looked outside, gathering his thoughts.  
“And then, after seven years, Andrew Wolff shows up again. He wanted me dead. And I guess so does Roman, since he was the one who led Wolff to me. And they almost succeeded.”

He turned to face Jane again. She took a step towards him and spoke in a pained voice “What Wolff did to you, it was-”

"It was Roman who organized this, Jane. It was your brother who practically sold me to Wolff! For what?”

“He-“

Kurt glared at Jane, his tone angry again “Don’t!“

Jane reached out and put her hand on his arm. Her eyes were shining with unshed tears, her tone pleading. “Kurt, please -”

He pulled his arm away from her touch again, grimacing as he felt the movement aggravate his wounds. For a short moment he was almost happy to feel the pain. It meant that he was alive. But the next moment he was again hit with the frustration of being unable to work, forced to stay at home when he needed to be out there with the team, catching these people. He could feel the anger bubbling up inside of him. He was practically shouting as he cut off Jane’s plea.

“No! Roman says what he wants! We’re his puppets, his playthings! It’s pretty clear the only way this is going to end is with either me or Roman dead! He wants Remi back, and he wants me out of the way. You need to choose whose side you’re on, Jane. His or mine!”

As Kurt finished his tirade, at the sight of Jane his fury melted and he instantly regretted what he’d just said. Jane’s face was white as she stared at him, her eyes wide with shock. A couple of tears made their way down her cheeks, and she brought her hand up to try and suppress a whimper as she quickly turned away from him.

Kurt tried to reach for her shoulder, to get her to look at him again. “Jane…”  
But before his hand could touch her, she was already moving down the hall, closing the door behind her as she retreated into their bedroom.

Kurt mentally kicked himself. _“You’re doing exactly what Roman wants. You’re driving Jane away. After you searched half the world to find her. How would you feel if someone forced you to choose between Sarah and Jane?”_

Taking a step towards the bedroom, he felt a jolt of pain so strong it nearly stole his breath. He realized he’d forgotten to take the painkiller when he began ranting at Jane. He doubled back to the kitchen and took it before making his way back down the hallway. He felt crushed as he heard Jane’s quiet crying through the door. The last thing Kurt ever wanted was to see her in pain, and now he’d been the cause of it. He silently pleaded with any deity that would listen to fix this. He knew he couldn’t survive without Jane in his life.

As Kurt quietly opened the door, the sight before him broke his heart: Jane was lying on the bed, almost in a fetal position, squeezing a pillow - _his pillow_ \- to her chest as she cried. Her dark hair and clothes created a stark contrast to the white sheets of the unmade bed. He sat down on the opposite side of the bed and cautiously reached for Jane’s shoulder.

Jane flinched at his touch, crying out quietly “Leave me alone.”  
Kurt heard no anger in her tone, only pain and vulnerability. Her reaction felt like someone had kicked him in the gut. The last time Jane had flinched at his touch had ended up with her leaving their home, leaving him. A feeling of dread filled him at the thought of losing her again.

“Jane,” he pleaded desperately, his voice thick with tears. “Jane, please look at me.”

Jane turned to face him and sat up, leaning against the headboard. She looked at him warily, her eyes red and tear tracks on her cheeks, still holding onto the pillow.

Seeing Jane’s tear-stained cheeks and her pain broke something inside Kurt. He had never seen her look so hurt or vulnerable. Not even when he confessed to having killed Avery. And it was his fault. Tears blurred his own vision.

“God, Jane…I’m sorry,” he choked out. He briefly made eye contact with her, but very soon averted his eyes and turned away, consumed by guilt. He winced as his breath sent a stab of pain into his healing lung. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he spoke quietly. “I…I shouldn’t have said what I said. I took my frustration out on you because you happened to be there. You didn’t deserve that. I’m so sorry.”

Kurt turned back to face her and carefully moved to wipe her tears from her cheek with his hand, fearing her reaction as he did so. Jane allowed his touch, closing her eyes as his thumb trailed over her cheek.  
“Jane, I….” he drew another shaky breath. “I know I hurt you. I never should have said those things. Angry or not.” He tenderly caressed her cheek with his fingers.

He knew he was begging, but he didn’t care. “Please forgive me. Please, don’t leave.”

Jane opened her eyes at Kurt’s words and locked her gaze with his. He could see the pain in her eyes, but he also saw love. She reached for his hand on her cheek and brought their joined hands to her chest, holding them there. “I’m here, Kurt.”

Kurt saw tears glistening in her eyes again and he could no longer just watch her blame herself because of something he had said. He needed to fix this. He moved closer to Jane slowly, not wanting to startle her. He looked at her questioningly, silently asking for her permission.

Jane let out a pained sound as she gave her consent and fell into Kurt’s embrace. He could feel her shoulders shaking as she wept against his chest. He felt the wetness on his own cheeks as he pressed his cheek against her hair. “I’m sorry, Jane.”

He closed his eyes and drew a shuddering breath, simply holding her. Gradually, she calmed and stopped crying, but made no effort to move from his arms. He moved back carefully on the bed with her still in his arms and leaned against one of the pillows, resting his head on the headboard. They were both silent for a few minutes, lost in their thoughts. Kurt ran his hand through Jane’s hair, almost startling her as he spoke quietly.

“I need you to know, that I’m not blaming you for what happened to me. I’m not angry at you.”

Jane looked up at him, protesting his words “But, Wolff got to you because-“

“Shhh. I probably wouldn’t be here right now if it wasn’t for you, Jane,” he confessed. If Jane and the team hadn’t found him when they did, Wolff would have just continued torturing him until he died. He gently squeezed her closer to him. “I shouldn’t make you choose between Roman and me. It was unfair of me to say that.”

“You had every right to be angry. After all the things he has done and the things he has done to us - how can I still feel anything for him?” Jane’s voice was full of anguish.

“Because he’s your brother, Jane,” Kurt whispered tenderly. “You’ve gone through unimaginable things together. You might not approve of what he’s done, but it doesn’t mean you love him any less.”

Kurt thought back to his own childhood, back to his family and Sarah. He looked down at Jane, his thumb tracing her jaw. “Our parents leave us over time. But siblings, they’re supposed to be there with us. They’ve known us the longest. That bond will always be there,” he finished softly.

“I just…I want to believe there’s something good left in Roman.” Jane sniffled, murmuring into his chest.

Kurt tightened his arms around her and pressed a kiss into her hair. “I know, Jane. I know.”

***************************************************************************************

“I’m fine, Jane,” Kurt replied gruffly.

“No, you’re not,” Jane said quietly, wanting to avoid another confrontation.

At her words, Kurt’s eyebrows shot up and he gave her a look, almost a glare. “Yes, I am. My ribs are on the mend, the wounds have healed, -”

Jane grabbed Kurt’s arm, squeezing it gently as she spoke. “Physically, maybe.”

Jane could feel his body tense; his jaw was set. He was going into defensive mode again.

“I almost lost you!” Jane continued, her voice teary, no longer able to hide the pain and fear she had felt. “Your heart stopped in the OR!” She nearly yelled at him, only to give him a wounded look as she whispered the next words. “Do you realize how many people don’t come back from that?”

She closed the distance between them, grabbing his arms gingerly and went on, her voice adamant but her tone compassionate. “No matter how much you try to hide it, I _do_ know what Wolff did to you! I watched the feed he goaded us with.”

Kurt looked startled at Jane’s admission. He cast his eyes down, refusing to meet hers. She knew she had gotten inside his walls again. Now she had to be very careful, she didn’t want to hurt him.

“I….you shouldn’t have watched it.” Kurt said quietly.

Jane cupped his cheek tenderly and forced Kurt to meet her eyes. He was trying to hide it, but she saw the pain. “Kurt, you’re my husband. I needed to know.” her voice was barely a whisper, a few silent tears running down her face. “ _For better or for worse_ , remember? This is “for worse”, for you. For us. And it is not your fault.”

She trailed her fingers on Kurt’s cheek, hoping her touch would ease the anxiety she saw reflected in his eyes.

“I know you said you moved to the guest bedroom because you didn’t want to disturb me. You said your ribs were still bothering you and you kept shifting position to get comfortable. But I know you’re still having nightmares - or not sleeping at all…I _am_ a light sleeper, remember?”

She had heard him through the wall, whimpering in his sleep for whoever it was torturing him to stop. Pleading his tormentor to “ _Please, stop_ ”, over and over again and it had taken all her willpower not to go to him. She had tried it when the nightmares first appeared, but Kurt had shut her out, gently at first but becoming more agitated as the nightmares persisted and she had tried to get him to open up. And so she had backed away, giving him the space.

Kurt stood there, taking a moment to process her words. He didn’t speak, just swallowed thickly and gave an imperceptible nod as he reached up to wipe away her tears with his thumb.

She pulled his head down so their foreheads were touching. “Please, let me help. I know those nightmares affect you, even though you brush me off. I love you, Kurt, and I hate to see you suffer. If you won’t talk to me, talk to someone else! Talk to Reade, or Allie or Patterson! Even Rich! But please, don’t try to carry all of this alone.”

Kurt hugged her to him carefully. Jane enjoyed the moment of closeness, pressing her cheek against his shoulder, mindful of his injuries. After a little while, she heard his quiet reply. “I’m not sure you can help. These are my demons to fight.”

Jane breathed a sad sigh and brought her hand to Kurt’s cheek again, feeling his beard scrape against her palm. He was still avoiding her eyes. Her old fears were starting to come out of the deep corners of her mind. _“He doesn’t want my help because it’s my fault he got hurt. How could I help when all I do is remind him that it’s my brother who orchestrated this?”_

She felt like her heart was in her throat when she spoke again. If whatever followed would bring their marriage crashing down. She’d already made the mistake once of letting Kurt shoulder the weight of fighting for their marriage alone, and she wouldn’t make it again. She would fight for their marriage, for them. But she couldn’t fight _him_. She had already caused him too much pain. “Kurt, please look at me.”

As Kurt cautiously lifted his eyes to meet hers, she was surprised. Instead of the accusing look she was expecting to see, she saw him looking at her lovingly, but to her dismay she also thought she saw shame in his eyes. “I don’t want to lose you, Jane. I can’t burden you with this. What Wolff did, it –“

She tenderly took his face between her hands and gazed into his eyes. “What he did to you was terrible, and _no_ _one_ expects you to just shrug it off. You’re human. It’s okay to let your guard down. It’s okay to lean on someone. You showed me that.”

Tears fell down Kurt’s cheeks as he looked away again and spoke, his voice so quiet Jane barely heard him, despite their closeness. “But I…I broke…”

Suddenly, Jane understood why Kurt was afraid. “Oh, my love…” She pulled his head against her shoulder, hearing his breath hitch as she ran her hand through his hair comfortingly and spoke softly into his ear. “Listen to me. I will never think any less of you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable. You’ve been my savior more times than I can count, you’ve been there for me and you’ve never judged me.” Jane nuzzled his neck lovingly. ”You need to show some mercy on yourself,“ she finished gently. She felt Kurt wrap his arms around her waist and pull her tighter against him as he gave a tiny nod against her.

She placed a chaste kiss on his cheek before resting her head against his chest, feeling him shake as he wept. “Please, let me be here for you,” she murmured. She couldn’t stop her own silent tears, as she looked into Kurt’s eyes, pleading now. “I love you. Please, let me in, Kurt.”

At her words, Kurt came undone. He sank to his knees, pressing his head into her stomach and wrapping his arms around her legs like a drowning man, his teary voice filled with desperation as he spoke. “I’m sorry, Jane. I’m so sorry. I don’t want to lose you.”

Jane knelt on the floor opposite Kurt and held his face as she gazed lovingly into his eyes. “I’m not leaving. What makes you think I would leave?” She questioned him softly.

And so, Kurt told him of the recurring nightmare, where Jane had just watched Wolff torture him and turned away and left when he had called out to her. “I’m not the same man you married,” he finally whispered and looked away.

Jane sobbed, as she carefully pulled Kurt into her embrace, hugging him close. “Shh, don’t say that. You’re so much more than the man I married, and no one is going to make me think otherwise. No matter what they do to you.” She kissed him, before burying her head into his chest, listening to his heartbeat. “I love you. And I’m not going anywhere.”

She felt him place a kiss in her hair as he held onto her just as fiercely and whispered with a shuddering voice. “I love you too, Jane.”


End file.
